Warren

Long live Warren. You are not forgotten, brother.
September 2006-October 2007

Songs About Rainbows

The batman was exploring the outsides the other day when I comes across a giant frog. Okay, no frogs actually live in the Land of Dryness but he said he was passing through on his way west to a land of sin, corruption, and bankruptcy. The frog was very big (for a frog) and carried around a stringed device that emits music when strummed. The man has a few of these devices and is not very good at using them. The Beatty cat runs away when the man starts strumming. But this frog starts talking to the batman in a weird melodic voice and  asks...

This is a rainbow

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows? What's on the other side?"

This gets the batman thinking that I does not know what a song it cuz I is a cat. Suddenly I realize that I am talking to a mutant frog and run away. So, later, I asks and says to the man, "Meow," and he says, "I can think of just two. One from the Wizard of Oz and the other from the Muppet Movie." The man asks the batman why I asks and I says, "Meow," and he explains that a rainbow is an optical and meteorological phenomenon that cause a spectrum of light to appear in the sky when the Sun shines on to droplets of moisture in the Earth's atmosphere. Thus anything can be at the end of a rainbow. I says, "Meow," again and then the man gives me food and I eat lunch.

I never did sees the giant mutant frog again. He may have been eaten by the ugly pit-bull next door. The batman does not know. I does not know if the ugly pit-bull likes to eat frogs. I does kind of wonder what frog tastes like, though, because someday the batman may chose to eat one. Or maybes I can trick the Cone Dog (with a K) to eat one, and then she would poop green. If the mutant frog ever comes back I cans tells him that there are only two songs about rainbows and that he should stop complaining about there being so many. If it was up to the batman, there would be a lot more songs about rainbows because the batman likes rainbows. If Chuck Norris was a rainbow, and your house was on the other side, it would probably burn down.

I hope the frog survived his journey west.

New Names and How to Outsmart a Cunning Terrier

In the wake of recent events, I has decided to change the names of both of the Poop Dogs. The little one - formally known as The Poop Dog - was renamed Cone Dog (with a K) in last week's episode. The big dog - formally known as Chili Dog - has hearby been renamed Puke Dog. 

The batman will now explain.

Okay, so maybe the batman does not want to explain because it is a little too gross for the many kitteh readers out there. Just know that the gruesome tail involves the big dog, vomit, and the man's bare feet. Story over.

In other news, despite the cone of shame the Cone Dog (with a K) has learned how to escape the back yard area. The man thoughts it was impossible, but the Cone Dog (with a K) has out smarted him...for now. The man is very smart too and just as determined, though he has better things to do than plot ways to stop the poop dog from digging under fences. The batman suggested locking her in a cage with the Beatty cat for an entire day. The Beatty cat is obviously opposed to this method of discipline and warns against its ineffectiveness. The batman thinks the results would be hilarious. I asked the Puke Dog what he thought about this and he just sniffed my face and then jumped around by the door for 10 minutes while the man made lunch. 

The batman is now hungry. The Beatty cat and I wills go catch birds before they flies away for the winter time months. 

Cone Dog (with a K)

Why eat your foot?

To kick off the exciting second season of the "i is batman blog" I has decided to rename the little dog, who always smells like poop and who is commonly referred to as the Eva dog. Till this point the batman has called her the Poop Dog because when she runs away from the house she always finds some poop to roll in and then rolls in it. And despite frequent attempts at bathing her, she always smells like poop. While the name is fitting for such a smelly beast, it makes some of the younger viewers of the "i is batman blog" semi-squeamish, and they also get confused because the batman refers to all dogs as Poop Dogs because they all smell like poop. Also, the Eva Dog, though not the most valuable member of the WPBDFT (Warrior Pit-bull Dodgeball Fighting Team) and definitively not the best smelling (which award goes to the Beatty Cat who always seems to smell like a mixture of freshly cut grass and fluffiness), feels like the batman is picking on her. I says that I is only being honest and that maybe if she stops attacking the batman and trying to lick his kitteh face off, the batman would be nicer to her in the "i is batman blog". In other words, the man and the woman is making me do this.


So, due to the Poop Dog's recent attempts to lick her own foot off, the man and the woman have felt the need to Cone her. The Cone, also known as the Cone of Shame (as made famous by the human movie "Up") has been placed around her neck and almost stops her from dismembering herself. They has also discovered that because of the cone the Poop Dog is no longer able to jump over or dig under fences and escape from the back yard area. Thus, the cone may remain on for her entire doggeh life. The batman feels this is a great idea and is campaigning to see it happen. 

Sad...

But, to show the Poop Dog a little more respect on the "i is batman blog", the batman has decided to call her the Cone Dog (with a K) instead. The man says it will make it look cooler spelled with a K instead of a C, like the band Korn, who is only famous because of the way they spell their name and not because they make good music. The batman wanted to call her Cone Doogy (a doggy play on words of Doogie Howser, the batman's most favoritest TV child doctor), but the man says it is stupid. So, from this point forward, the Poop Dog will hereby be known as the Cone Dog (with a K).


Though the Cone Dog (with a K) does not deserve the batman's respect, he will honor the wishes of the man and the women. The summer time is almost over and they keeps him warm during the winter time. The batman does like being cold more than he does not like the Cone Dog (with a K). So I will do what they says...for now.

Under Construction: the sequal

The new i is batman blog is still under construction in preparation for its second amazing season. To start, the batman has changed the layout and added a handsome picture of the batman when I was a kitteh as the header picture. What does you think? Good? No good?

What could make this better?

And the batman was going to add more photos of him as a kitteh but the stupid blogspot is being stupid. The awesomeness apparently overloads the systems.

Under Construction

 As many of you loyal followers have noticed I has taken the summer off from the blog. It is too nice outside to waste my time entertaining you. But as the cold fall and winter months approach, I has decided to spend a little time making the blog way awesomer. In the meantime, enjoy these two photos.

The Poop Dog deserved it.

Only in the Maine...

The Elusive Demon Dog

 The batman has finally obtained photographic evidence of the elusive Demon dog. You can tell by its floppy ears and devilish eyes that it's dangerous and was sent by Satan to terrorize the man and the woman. So the batman keeps his distance. The man says that it is a nice poop dog and will not try to eat the woman like the stupid pit-bulls do. The Chili Dog and the Poop dog say that he is nice too and they like to run up and down the fence and play with it like stupid dogs. But the batman is not so sure. The floppy ears means it's dangerous. The batman is always cautious.

Being elusive.

I will eat you!

The Poop Dogs is Stupid

Seriously, just look at them.

Demon Dog

There is a new dog in town and it has glowing eyes like a demon. The batman thinks that it is a demon dog and we fears that the Demon dog is plotting with the Chopper dog (neighbors) to form an attack. It has also proven difficult to obtain a picture of the Demon dog but to the right is an accurate action figured portrayal of the said Demon. The Chili dog says that the Demon dog is a nice dog but the batman is not so sure. The batman also fears that the Chili dog is being seduced by the Demon and Chopper dogs to betray the man and woman. I cans not and wills not let this happen!

For now, the Demon dog is just a puppy ands may not be a real threat for many months. So I watches him closely and someday may obtain photographic evidence of his demoness.

In the meantime, the batman is still recovering from his swollen kitteh leg, which has gotten better without a visit to the evil pet doctor. I cans almost use it to walk again. The man had ordered the batman quarantined to the house until the kitteh leg gets better. Secretly the woman has been letting the batman outside while the man is not home. Shhhhhhh.... But the kitteh leg is better and the evil pet doctor cans eat it. But not literally, because I still needs it.

The batman worries that there are many evils that threaten the happiness of the man and the woman. The batman and the WPBDFT work tirelessly to protect them, but I wonders if it is enough. There are pit-bulls and demon dogs, dodgeballs and barriers, evil pet doctors and calculus; and all sorts of other destructive forces that are fighting to destroy the man and woman. The batman wonders if the WDBDFT is enough to protect them. We does what we can, but it seems that new threats and challenges appear every week and it is overwhelming. The batman worries for them because the WHOLE WORLD! is out to get them. But the man says that everything will be okay; that there is a Higher Force than the WPBDFT that watches over them. I asks the man if the Higher Force would like to join the WPBDFT, but the man says that the HF is already at the heart of it. I does not know what this means but I trust that the man knows what he is talking about. He is a very wise and brave human. And funny looking.

But I still worries for them.

The Warrior Pit-bull Dodgeball Tactical Espionage Kitteh Force (or WPBDTEKF for short)

Watching, ever vigilantly.

 Sacrifices must be made, and so it was on the first official mission of the Warrior Pit-bull Dodgeball Tactical Espionage Kitteh Force (or WPBDTEKF for short). The batman is a brave kitteh and does what he cans to protect the man and the woman from all things pit-bull and dodgeball. And so I was resting, sleeping off a long night of vigilant watchfulness while the man and woman slept. In the morning whilest they were preparing for another long day of low wages and hard labor, I heards a noise. I thoughts it was just the Beatty cat or the poop dogs running around in the downstairs. But the WPBDTEKF went to investigate. The batman started in the second bedroom but, after investigating the warm and comfy queen sized bed for about 20 minutes, decided there was no threat and moved on to he next room. The Beatty cat stood in the window under the half drawn blinds of the second room. He blinked and yawned, which is the sign for "no threat." But then I heards it again, from somewhere down the stairs. It had to have been a dodgeball or a pit-bull. Their noise of terror and stupidity is unmistakable! So the batman jumped into action!

I rans and jumped over the barrier that inhibits the poop dogs from entering the upstairs and eating from the poop box. But, the jump was poorly timed, and the the batman's leg hits the barrier. The pain is unbearable, but I keeps moving. The man lets me into the outdoors and watches me as I limp around. I cans not find the source of the noise. It is gone. I knows I heard it, and I knows it was there. I must have scared it away. But my little kitteh leg still hurts. I tells him there is not threat and he leaves.

I finds some grass to lay in. The cool morning dew soothes the aching limb. I falls asleep and does not know what happens next. I wakes up to finds the injured kitteh leg is swollen and cut. I does not know what happened. It must have been the barrier. But why would the barrier choose to strike out now? The barrier has never let the kittehs down and has always protected the kittehs from the slobbering poop dogs.

I loves them

Days has passed since and we has been watching the barrier for any more signs of rebellion. But it has remained an alley and continues diligently in its duties. In the meantime, the man has quarantined the batman until the kitteh leg has healed. He wants to take the batman to the animal doctor to make sure that it is okay. But I does not like the animal doctor. That is the last place the Warren went before he never returned. I wills keeps my distance.

There are many things to fear in this life: Pit-bulls, dodgeballs, barriers, animal doctors; but the batman must not be afraid and be strong. Kittehs does not have 9 lives. The cake is a lie. We only has one, just like the man and the woman and the poop dogs. And we must use it serving the ones we loves. The batman will continue to protect the man and the woman with all his heart. They is his man and woman, and he loves them.

The Mighty Hunter and the Beatty Spy

The Mighty Hunter

Since the batman was a little kitteh, I has been a mighty hunter. From the early moments of life when the Mother Hope taught us to hunt and attack the carpet, to the present when I hunt and "think about" attacking the dangerous pit-bull. But this new threat, that of the dodgeball, calls for drastic measures. Although the batman remains a most vital component of the Warrior Pit-Bull Dodgeball Fighting Team, I has decided to form a special elite unit which will focus on the eradication of dodgeballs. In the winter months, the batman and the Beatty cat work effectiviely as watch-outs from the comfort of warm beds within the house. But in the summer months we finds it vital to be on the offensive. This new elite unit is yet to has a name. The batman is open to suggestions.

You're doing it wrong

As a sidekick the batman has selected the Beatty cat. I is currently teaching him how to drive the batmanmobile, but he is doing it wrong. The Beatty cat is very good with computers and he excels at Excel, but he is not a driver. So maybe the elite team will consist of only the batman, or maybe I wills sends out the Beatty cat on intelligence missions, like a spy. Beatty cat would be a good spy. Though he is a ascared of everything, he is sneaky. And if discovered, he is very good at running away. He may be fat and he may be fluffy, but he is very sneaky. The batman has taught him everything he knows. The Beatty cat has also learned how to be good with the lady kittehs, just like the James Bond. Maybe he can use his fluffy charm to obtain information from the lady kittehs about possible dodgeball invasions. That is how the James Bond does it. The Beatty cat is a very useful kitteh. He makes a goods spy.

The Man is a Pirate

Sometimes the man and the woman ignore the dangers of the outside and wonder beyond the protection of the Warrior Pit-bull Fighting Team. When this happens the man acts as a traveling bodyguard for the woman, protecting her from ugly pit-bulls and horny BYU freshman.But a new threat has emerged; one so violent and unexpected that there was no time to react until it was too late. There was nothing the woman could do but stand there and watch as the man came under attack by this frightening new enemy.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrr...

The dodgeball. Now the man is a pirate.

The Warrior Pit-bull Fighting Team now has a new responsibility to protect the man against dodgeballs.  We is now called the Warrior Pit-bull Dodgeball Fighting Team, or the WPBDFT. The team, consisting of the batman and Beatty Cat as lookouts when they is not sleeping, the Poop Dog as the alarm, and the Chili Dog as the fast and furious muscle. Although non of the members of the WPBDFT know what a dodgeball is, including the batman, we is determined to protect the man and the woman from becoming even more piratier.

The batman thinks that the man actually wanted to become a pirate because of the new pirate movie which I is a fan of. But the man insists that he does not want to be a pirate. He says it is hard to ride the batmanmobile as a pirate because he cannot see if there are bad drivers coming at him from his left side. The man also says that it is hard to stay awake in calculus class because one eye is already closed.

And because the man feels real stupid about being a pirate, the batman will honor him by giving a list of pirates that were wicked cool like him.

The Captain Jack Sparrow

The first pirate is the batman's favorite, the Captain Jack Sparrow pirate. He is so cool they mades movies about him. Some the batman enjoyed, some I dids not. But the Captain Jack Sparrow pirate is so cool that someone on the internets has a picture of him tatooed on their human flesh. That means the Captain Jack Sparrow is awesome.

Another famous pirate is the Captain Blackbeard. The batman does not know much about him because he is not in 2 1/2 awesome movies like the Captain Jack Sparrow. But he must be cool because he has smoke coming out of his ears. How cool is that?  (6/21/11 - The batman has removed the Captain Blackbeard picture because it is drawing very strange people to the i is batman blog.)










The last cool pirate is known as the Captain Kid. This picture is proof of his coolness. In fact, because the batman now knows the meaning of Gay, I cans honestly say that the Captain Kid is very gay.

GAY
–adjective

1. having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music. 

 - The Captain Kid looks like a merry and lively pirate. Yes, he is gay.

2. bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.

 - The Captain Kid is bright and showy. Yes, he is gay.

 

3. given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.

 - Because he is mostly shirtless and very muscular, the batman says that this qualifies. Yes, he is gay.

 

EXPAND

4. licentious; dissipated; wanton: The baron is a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies.

 - The batman looked up these words. Yes, he is definitely gay.

 

5. homosexual

- The batman looked this word up as well and does not know if the Captain Kid agrees with this lifestyle.   Maybe, he is gay, not that there's anything wrong with that.

6. of, indicating, or supporting homosexual  interests or issues: a gay organization.

 - Maybe he does and maybe he does not. The batman would have to ask him. Maybe, he is gay.

The batman's math says that 4 YESs beats out 2 MAYBEs. The Captain Kid is definitely gay.

So the man should be proud to be among the awesome pirates that have come before him. If they is in movies, have smoke coming out of their ears, or they is gay, the man is in good company. Though, the batman must admit that he thoughts these famous pirates would have eye patches like the man but they does not. Maybe the man is not a pirate. Maybe he is just silly looking.

I is and is not Gay.

What does gay mean?

There have been many rumors about the batman that I is gay. Even though I does not know what this means, I thinks it is the woman and the Beatty cat that have been spreading these rumors via this picture of the Beatty cat and the batman trying to stay warm together. It has become time for the batman to put these rumors to rest once and for all.
In a way, the batman is very gay and in other ways I is not. Let's look at the definition of GAY as per the dictionary.com 

GAY
–adjective

1. having or showing a merry, lively mood: gay spirits; gay music. 

 - The batman is a merry, lively kitteh. Yes, I is gay.

 

2. bright or showy: gay colors; gay ornaments.

 - The batman is not bright or showy. No, I is not gay.

 

3. given to or abounding in social or other pleasures: a gay social season.

 - ... sure. Yes, I is gay.

 

EXPAND

4. licentious; dissipated; wanton: The baron is a gay old rogue with an eye for the ladies.

 - The batman does not know what this means. No, I is not gay.

 

5. homosexual

- The dictionary.com uses big words that the batman does not understand. No, I is not gay.

 

6. of, indicating, or supporting homosexual  interests or issues: a gay organization.

 - The batman supports the interest of the Warrior Pit-bull Fighting Team and none else. No, I is not gay.

I is a clean kitteh

The batman is not very good at counting because I is a kitteh, but it looks like 4 "NOs" and only 2 "YESs." If the batman has not purrrformed correct math please let him know. So, this experiment means that the batman is not gay. Now the woman can stop spreading silly rumors about the batman because I has proven it. Here is another picture that proves the batman is not gay. See, I is a clean kitteh, not a gay kitteh.

In other news, the world dids not end like the very old man purrdicted. He says that he changed his mind and that it will happen on the October 21 instead. This is soon after the batman turns 5 human years old which (according to this kitteh calculator) is 37 kitteh years. I is very old. Happy Birthday to the batman...in September.

The End of the World...4 Realz This Time

This is proof

Breaking News: The batman has learnt that the end of the world is tomorrow. See, this picture proves it. The batman has done much research on the internets about the end of the world. The very old man who is saying this will happen is totally for realz. He once predicted the end of the world to come in 1994, a long time before the batman was born, but it dids not happen. But he is for realz this time cause he is super smart. He is probably the super smartest guy on the planet.

So I asks the man what he was doing to prepare for the end of the world. He said that he was storing food and that is why he has so many pets. I does not know what this means but he was looking at the batman very funny. I asks him if he is a good hunter like the batman and he says he doesn't have to be and then looks at the batman funny again. The man is very strange sometimes. I also asks the man if the world will ends tomorrow and he says that he hopes it happens before his next calculus test. I doesn't not know what this means either but he looked very very serious.

Raptors are friendly?

But the batman is preparing for the end of the world. The very old man on the internets says that raptors will come and save the believers. The batman does not understands what dinosaurs have to do with the end of the world but he is kind of ascared. I reads a picture book about them once and they has big teeth. The man says that there are no dinosaurs and that if there were, we has a neighbor who has lots o guns that he cans shoots the dinosaurs with. The batman thinks that they would be afraid of the ugly pit-bull next store and run away. But how cans the batman be saved if the raptors don't come for him? The man does not act like he believes, and the batman is not so sure either. But what if it is 4 realz? What if there are dinosaurs and the very old man is right? And I know there are dinosaurs cuz I seen them in a movie once where they is eating people. I hope these raptors are more friendly, like in the picture. He is playing basketball. They has to be friendly if they is to save us.

The very old man does not say if kittehs will be saved or not. I bets I is saved. I is a good kitteh. But the batman is not afraid, even if the raptors do not come. I has lived a good life. I has protected the man and the woman from wrestling birds and ugly pit-bulls and I has kept them warm at night when they is cold. And I has torn up there carpets just like the mother Hope taught me. And I does not think the pit-bulls will be saved. I thinks the raptors will eats them, even though they probably taste like poop. And maybe they cans teach the batman how to play basketball...

Happy Kitteh Mother's Day

Kitteh trouble

Because I is a cat and I cans not read time, the batman almost missed the most important day of the year - Kitteh Mother's Day. It is a lot like Human Mother's Day but comes a week and a day later and is only celebrated by the batman and his long lost siblings, the Krissy, the Lucas, and the late Warren. In honor of Kitteh Mother's day, the batman would like to honor his Kitteh mother, Hope, by telling her "tail" and using pictures found on the internets.

The Hope didn't have a name when she escaped. She left when she was very young because the man and woman who looked after her, smoked a lot of crack, fed her dog poop, and called her very mean names (none of which she liked). To escape the abuse, she bravely set out on her own to find a man and woman who would keeps her 4-eva. She spent much time on the mean streets of the Land of Dryness in the hot summer of 2006. She had to learn to become a master hunter because food was scarce and there were no humans to feed her. She had many close calls with pit-bulls and other ugly poop dogs but always escaped by the fur of her tail. After a while she met and fell in love with a handsome, young, street-wise tabby cat named Kitteh Federline. But after a single night of unforgettable romance, he left, and Hope never saw him again.

Hope and her kittehs

Soon she discovered that she was with kitteh, and was having a difficult time finding enough food to feed five. She became infested with flees and started getting very thin. But, when all hope seemed lost, she stumbled upon a man and a woman who took her in, cleaned her up, and fed her real kitteh food. Even though the man and woman had two other kittehs already, they adopted her and named her Hope. Shortly after is when the four Hope kittehs was born, the batman being the youngest and handsomest.

In the next few months she taught the batman how to hunt, use the poop box, and tear up carpet. These are all skills the batman has since mastered. But time with Hope had to be short because in this part of the Land of Dryness it was illegal to have so many kittehs, though it is NOT illegal to own an ugly, killer pit-bull poop dog.

One by one the man and the woman gaves us homes. A little human girl fells in love with the batman's only sister and named her Krissy. She was the first to go. But before she left, the man and woman had a man and woman friend who took care of us for a little bit. This new man and woman were funny and loveable and they gaves us all names. I gots the name the batman because I is black, I is brave, and I cans fly (no, the batman cans not fly like a bird, but cans flys like a batman). This new man and woman named us Warren, Lucas, and the batman and took us home with them. Because they knew that it was illegal to have too many kitteh's in the Land of Dryness, they found Lucas a new home. Little did the man and woman know that this other man and woman was very very stupid and ignored the Lucas. My man and woman plotted a cat-napping attempt to get the Lucas back, but it was unsuccessful. Eventually the stupid man and woman moved away and gaves the Lucas to a family that loves him very very much. The Lucas is happily living somewhere here in the Land of Dryness. The batman wonders if he too is a master hunter and cans fly.

Ferocious Hope Kitteh

After we turns a years old, the Warren got very very sick and died. He was the bravest and smartest kitteh of us all and I misses him. But then I gots a new little brother kitteh named the Beatty Cat. He was like the Hope and did not have good humans to feed and take care of him. So the batman adopted the Beatty Cat and tells him that the Hope cans be his mother too, because she is loving and brave.

The Hope now lives in the Land of Trees with her man and woman, their human children, their two other handsome kittehs and she is very happy with them. Someday the batman will see her again and gives her a big kitteh hug.

Thank you mother for being brave and teaching the batman to use the poop box and tear up carpet. The batman, the Krissy, the Lucas, the late Warren, and the Beatty Cat all miss you.

Happy Kitteh Mother's day.