Beatty Cat and the Wresting Birds of Spring

The Warren, the batman, and the Ace

I see the birds on the ground wresting, and so the hunter batman strikes when they is busy. The birds is almost as dumb as the poop dogs, though they do not smell bad. In fact, they smell good and tasty. The batman wonders why the birds wrestle so much when they return from the vacation. The batman wrestles with the Beatty cat sometimes, but never in the open where fearsome killer pit-bulls can strike and not quite like how the birds wrestle. And the Beatty cat does not seem to have fun like the birds do. But the Beatty cat is not a master hunter like the batman. He is too fluffy and fat. His fluffy tail gives him away. The wrestling birds do not see it though, as they are too busy wrestling. This is how the Beatty cat catches the birds. Unless they is wrestling, the Beatty cat fails.

Did the batman ever explain the Beatty cat. Let me tell you the story. The batman excels at telling stories, not like the Microsoft Excel which the batman finds difficult to use. But not the Beatty cat, he excels at Excel.

Excelling at Excel

The batman was born is the 2006 and the man and the women took me and my brother, the Warren, away from home. Around the time I turned 1 human year old, the Warren got sick and the man had him put to death (I forgives the man because I know that I will see the Warren in the Kitteh Heaven). The man and the women saw that the batman was bored because they had not yet opened up the outside and the batman was alone (it would be many months before the batman was allow to use his superior hunting skillz). The Beatty cat came home one day and treated the batman like an older brother, by jumping on him and biting the bat ears. The Beatty cat was just a Beatty kitteh at the time, not the fluffy fat kitteh he is now.

Little Beatty kitteh

He is named the Beatty because of the Warren Beatty, the human actor who played the Dick Tracy. After the Warren was put to death, the Beatty continued the Warren's legacy. He is often referred to as the Beatty cat, I think because the man and the women forget that there is a cat underneath all the fluff.

The Beatty cat has had two great adventures in his life. Shortly after the Beatty cat became my brother the man and the woman moved from the Land of Dryness to the Land of the Trees. This is where the outdoors were opened up and the batman learned his hunting skills by catching the birds, the mice, and the chipmunks. Not the singing kind, just the regular. The man and the women went away for a while and left the big burly woman in charge. The Beatty cat got scared and ran away from the burly woman and when the man and the woman came home they were very sad. A human week went by, the burly woman left and the Beatty cat returned, probably because he is not a master hunter like the batman and wanted food.

Returning Home

Later, when we were traveling back to the Land of Dryness, the Beatty cat escaped from the big black machine and ran off into the trees. I guess he missed them. The man and the woman waited a day to see if he would come home but he did not and the man and the woman took the batman and continued to the Land of Dryness. The batman was sad because he had lost another brother. But a human month later, the man showed up with the Beatty cat in a cage and was crying. The batman did not recognize the Beatty cat at first, because he smelled like he a bath. But it was him, the Beatty cat had returned. The man says that someone had found the Beatty cat and trapped him in their big machine. Then they put the Beatty cat on a bird machine (so not the kind that wrestles) and returned him to the Land of Dryness. The Beatty cat will not tell the batman about his adventures, but he promised never to run away again. Now that we live in the Land of the Pit-bulls, the Beatty cat has joined with the batman to protect the woman from the ugly pit-bull beasts. But that is another story.

Cougars, Hair Cuts, and Poop Dogs

The batman would like to make it clear that I is now like the Jimmer Fredette except I has a tail. The Jimmer is the next Chuck Norris, though he goes to BYU and cannot grow a beard, and the Jimmer does not use round house kicks to the face to destroy his enemies. The Jimmer uses good looks and a rubber ball. The batman is a fan because the Jimmer is a Cougar, which is a big cat. If you did not know that the cougar was a big cat you needs to go back to school. Even the batman, who has not been to school, knows that the cougar is a big cat. The batman is a little cat, but with cougar size awesomeness. But the Jimmer is not a real cougar, cause he has no tail and is a human and not a cat. If you did not know that the Jimmer was not a cat, yous need to go to school. Even the batman knows the difference.

In other awesome news, the man and the women decided that the Beatty cat was too fluffy and needed a hair cut. Unfortunetly, the Beatty cat has the attention span of a poop dog and tried to bite the man. The Beatty cat has half a hair cut and looks stupid. I has a picture somewhere, but I can not find it. The best things about being the batman, besides the stealth hunting skills and the Jimmer/Cougar awesomeness, is his fur. The batman has short fur and keeps it clean. This is a picture of his clean fur and awesome climbing skills. This picture was when I was 1 human year old. I do not remember how the batman arrived on top of the door, but do not doubt the batman. I is amazing.

Lastly, the little poop dog smells more like poop every day. She ran away AGAIN and upon retrieval  was covered in poop. The batman does not lie, the little poop dog was literally covered in poop and smelled worse than the poop box. The batman begged the man for a picture but he is useless and did not take one. No matter, it is only a matter of time before the little poop dog escapes AGAIN and rolls in poop...because she is gross. The little poop dog cares nothing for her fur and would rather be poopy than clean like the batman. That is why the batman is awesome.

And to make it very clear, the batman is like the Jimmer cougar and not the Demi Moore cougar. The Demi cougar is not a cat and cannot play basketball, though, she still makes the batman pur.

Poop Dogs and Birds

The i is batman blog is still blocked by the UVU. They is stupid.

In the batman's house there are two poop dogs: big poop dog and little poop dog. The Little poop dog runs away sometimes, often while the woman is in a hurry. The batman is free to roam as I pleases, but the poop dogs must ask permission to roam the outside. The other day, the woman is home to eat food and lets the poop dogs outside so they can be smelly outside. I is watching this from the black machine the woman uses to escape, and instead of going into the yard the little poop dog comes over to the batman. She says she is running away and invites me to run away with her. The batman refuses because he loves the man and the woman (they keep him warm at night). Then the little poop dog runs away. The woman jumps in the machine and chases after the little poop dog. Much time passes and the woman and little poop dog return home. The little poop dog is covered in mud, which makes her smell even worse. As the women carries the little poop dog inside, I says to her, "It is not meant to be." The little poop dog grunts and disappears inside. Watch this video and you will see what the batman has to deal with from the little poop dog.
Too bad you can not see how much she smells.

But in other news, the batman is enjoying the warmer weather. The birds have returned from holiday and spend hours poking at the dirt like the mindless flying targets they is. The batman is the stealth hunter, he cannot count the birds he has captured. Sometimes, the poop dogs scare the birds away. They are not the master stealth hunters like the batman, they is dumb. They is like the Britney Spears, but with stubs. The batman takes out birds like the Bruce Willis takes out the terrorists. The batman is like the Bruce Willis, but has a tale, and more fur on his head. The batman can not wait until more birds come back from holiday. Sometimes the batman will leave a bird for the poop dogs in the yard so they feel accomplished when they catch it. Sometimes the batman will leave a bird for the man to find by the machine. I leaves it for him because he too is not the master stealth hunter. But he is not dumb like the Britney Spears, he is more like the Transporter, fast and confident in the black machine, but he has hair, and definitely no tail. Sometimes the women finds the birds and waits for the man to come get them because she knows they is for him. He is sooooooo proud of the batman.

U cannot block the batman

The man likes to view the i is batman blog at school while I is sleeping on his bed. The man tells me that the Utah Valley University has blocked the i is batman blog. I ask the man why, and he tells me that it is labeled adult, probably because of "your overuse of the word poop," he says. You dumb humans. Why does the word poop make the i is batman blog adult? Would it not make it childish?

No matter, the real viewers of the i is batman blog should have no such problems. No one at the UVU will read the i is batman blog and the batman does not care. The batman does not wish to impress local college aged human females. I has been neutered by the man. But I shall forgive him, though he took the batman's...mojo...and then had the batman's brother put to death. But I holds no grudge, he has no tail. I has seen him...oh...the man has told me that the censors may not like the word n@ked too. Therefore, the word n@ked will be spelled with a very hip @ instead of an a, and i is going back to fix the last blog. Not that the batman cares about the viewership of local college aged human females, the batman does not want to offend. The batman is brilliant, he will surpass the censors with his creative use of the @, and he will continue to use the word poop as much as he likes until the UVU challenges the batman. They should fearrrrr the batman. I is no longer like the Chuck Norris with a tail, I is like the Charley Sheen, but with a tail and a brain! Beware, the UVU, do not fights the batman!

Poop. N@ked!

FIRST BLOG EVERRRRRR

Welcome time waster, I is the batman and this blog is the batman's blog. If you do not know who I is, I is like the Chuck Norris, but awesomer and I has a tail! But maybe he has a tail, the batman does not know, he has never met the Chuck Norris. But this blog is not about the Chuck Norris, it is about the batman. And I is the batman.

I lives in Utah where it is dry, dry like my poop box, which needs to be clean (someone please tells the man that the poop box needs to be clean, because the women won't do it, and the Beatty Cat poops too much). In Utah, I lives with the man, the women, the Beatty Cat, and the two...I don't know, those things that smell like my poop box and chase things. They never leave the batman alone. It is funny to slap the little one. She smells the most like poop. She is poop on four legs.

Enough about poop, I is classy. I is so classy I is using punctuation and spell check. Poop dogs cannot use spell check. Cats is better. Poop dogs do not has tails, they has stubs, but I has tail.

Check back weekly to learn about the batman's adventures. BTW, I purred in the title of the blog, I will resist purring in the future because the man says that too many rrrrrrrr's r annoying, but no promise. And the blog address is "iamthebatman.blogspot.com", instead of "iisthebatman" because the man is stupid. I is going to forgive him. He is keeping the batman warm at night, and he is imperrrrfect, he has no tail. I has seen him n@ked.

I is the batman.